My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
