I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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