That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
