If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
