Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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