Is it normal to miss your booty call?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
