margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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