what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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