My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
