you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
