Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
