i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
