so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
