At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
