I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
