When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
too bad you live with your parents still
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
