bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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