It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
