The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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