dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
