It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
