I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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