While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
