i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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