so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
