i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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