oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
