While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
