The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
