next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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