so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You are a genius and a whore.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
