This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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