barbara walters just said penis...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
