Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Im part way to drunk.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
