He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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