i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
