what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you inspire me to be a worse person
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
