I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I need water and some morals
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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