remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If I had your ass I would rule the world
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
