it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
