Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
