it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
