did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
