The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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