I just pynch a tree in the face
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
