your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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