I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
