Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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