I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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