Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
