69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
