Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
